


Interhouse Fights

by SharkGirlNirea



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon), The SpongeBob Musical - Various/Anthony & Coulton/Jarrow
Genre: (but it should be pretty obvious who's who), Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/M, Quidditch, Some minor name changes, SpongeBob is the most Hufflepuff character in existence, Unforgivable Curses (Harry Potter), humanized characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:00:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharkGirlNirea/pseuds/SharkGirlNirea
Summary: Edward doesn't think he's ever seen such a spectacular fight break out between two members of the same House.Quite frankly, he's relieved Krabs and Plankton now hate each other. Potions can now be much quieter.Edward just hopes he won't get dragged into their fighting.
Relationships: Karen/Sheldon J. Plankton, Sandy Cheeks & Karen, Sandy Cheeks & SpongeBob SquarePants & Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants & Patrick Star, SpongeBob SquarePants & Squidward Tentacles
Kudos: 3





	Interhouse Fights

**Author's Note:**

> So, I actually wrote this on paper, like, two years ago. My writing has improved a lot since then, but when I discovered this in an old notebook, I thought it was entertaining enough to post, and was of passable quality. This fic is utterly ridiculous and stemmed from a random thought I had about Sorting the SpongeBob cast, but, either way, I hope you enjoy it!

Edward was fairly certain two members of the same House had never before had such a falling out.

Indeed, Krabs and Plankton were refusing to even look at each other. Personally, Edward didn’t mind the silence between them. It was a step up from the annoying chatter he had experienced for the past five years whenever the Ravenclaws and Slytherins shared lessons.

Meaning now, in double Potions, Edward was allowed to work in… well, not silence, but in a somewhat less noisy environment, considering Krabs and Plankton, who sat in the row across from Edward, were sitting in silence.

Until a loud pop rang through the room.

Edward jumped and looked to his right. It appeared that something had gone wrong in Krabs’ potion. A twisted, black mess was spilling from his cauldron.

Plankton laughed derisively. “Pretty useless on your own, eh, Krabs?”

Krabs shot him a murderous look. “Shut up, Mudblood.”

“Eugene Krabs!” gasped Professor Puff. “That language is not--”

She didn’t finish her sentence, however, because Krabs was already flying in the air, having been sent airborne by Plankton’s curse.

Edward ducked, narrowly avoiding Krabs’ body. Krabs slammed into the ground, Stunned.

“You--” Plankton spat, pointing his wand at Krabs. “You absolute--how  _ dare _ you call me a-- you’ll regret--”

“Mr. Plankton, put your wand away!” snapped Puff. “Detention with me tonight, and 30 points from Slytherin! Attacking another student is entirely unacceptable!”

“He called me a Mudblood!” Plankton shouted. “He deserves detention, not me!”

“He is not the one lying Stunned on the floor!” Puff said. “Mr. Dosto, Mr. Yevsky--help Mr. Krabs to the hospital wing.” 

The two Ravenclaws left the classroom with Krabs.

“Mr. Plankton, return to your cauldron,” Puff said. “We will speak after class.”

“No,” snapped Plankton. “No, we won’t.” He turned and left the classroom.

“Mr.--Mr. Plankton!” Puff said, running after him. “You return here at once!”

Edward smirked. Robert would be incredibly unhappy to hear what had happened between Krabs and Plankton.

* * *

Snatching a piece of fruit from a plate, Edward left the Ravenclaw table and approached the Hufflepuff table, scanning its occupants until he found--

Aha.

Smiling a bit cruelly, Edward said, “Hello, Robert.”

Robert Quareants--Bob to his friends, which Edward was not--was an annoying third-year Hufflepuff who loudly greeted Edward in the school’s corridors, chatted with him in the library (he had gotten both him and Edward kicked out before), and was generally an annoying, unwanted presence.

Therefore, Edward didn’t feel too guilty for what he was about to do.

Robert looked up, as did his best friend, Patrick Star.

“Hello, Edward! Do you need to talk to me?”

“Did you hear what happened with Krabs and Plankton?” Edward said.

“No…. what happened?”

Edward’s smirk widened. “Krabs called Plankton the ‘M’ word.”

“The ‘M’ word?!” Robert shouted, earning the stares of several surrounding Hufflepuffs. “What--why?”

“Plankton made fun of Krabs’ potion exploding, or something.”

“Ohhh,” groaned Robert. “Oh, no…. What are we gonna do? Their friendship was so beautiful and wholesome….”

“I know,” Patrick said, taking a break from eating. “We could take them into the Forbidden Forest and have them fight a werewolf to see who’s the real man.”

Both Edward and Robert stared at Patrick.

“Pat, I don’t think that’ll help,” Robert said.

“Agreed, that’s completely idiotic,” Edward said. “I think--”

He was distracted by movement in the corner of his eye. Turning to the entrance of the Great Hall, he saw Plankton storm into the Hall, heading to the Slytherin table. However, when he saw Krabs talking to a large group of people at the table, Plankton stopped. At the same time, Karen Efiw, Plankton’s girlfriend, stood up from the Ravenclaw table and beckoned him over. Throwing a contemptuous look at Krabs, Plankton joined Karen, squeezing between a group of Ravenclaws. 

Edward chuckled at Robert’s distressed expression. “I don’t think they’ll ever be able to make up,” he said. “Their friendship is truly over!”

Laughing quietly, he rejoined the Ravenclaw table. 

* * *

“YEAH! GO SANDY!” Robert screamed, jumping up and down next to Edward as Robert watched Sandy violently swing a Bludger at the Hufflepuff Chaser, who, distracted by the Bludger, poorly threw the Quaffle, allowing the Gryffindor Keeper to block the rings.

“Robert, why are you cheering for her?” Edward said. “She’s playing against your House!”

“I know, but she’s my friend! I can cheer for her just this once!” Robert yelled over the crowd.

Edward groaned. He had explicitly avoided the Hufflepuff supporters’ stands to avoid Robert. But he should have known Robert would cheer for one of his closest friends as opposed to his House’s team.

Edward glanced up as Sandy once again fiercely hit a Bludger. Sandy was certainly an enigma when it came to Quidditch. Sandy was a Muggle-born, and, prior to Hogwarts, had obviously never ridden a broomstick in her life. However, once she had arrived at Hogwarts, she had demonstrated an unnatural talent with a broomstick, and now, despite only being a fourth-year, was likely one of the best Beaters in recent Hogwarts history. Fitting, considering how rambunctious and wild she was when she was younger.

Edward knew all of this because he and Sandy had grown up in the same neighborhood.

Robert’s parents, Edward’s mother, and Patrick’s father were all friends when they attended Hogwarts, and all four of them had an incredibly strong interest in Muggles. Fittingly, Patrick’s father and Edward’s mother had both married Muggles. They had all bought houses in a Muggle neighborhood, although Robert’s father continued to work at St. Mungo’s. Because all three couples bought neighboring houses, Robert and Patrick had been Edward’s neighbors for his entire life.

Unfortunately, Robert and Patrck had shown signs of magic early in their lives. Robert, Edward, and Patrick had all attended Muggle school, at their parents’ urging. Patrick was so idiotic, Edward saw no point in him attending school in general, but Edward himself had mostly enjoyed school. He excelled in choir, band, and art, and his grades had always been above average. The worst part of school was most certainly Robert, who loudly greeted Edward in the halls during lunch without fail.

When Edward was almost nine, Robert had run up to Edward, ecstatic. He had just befriended a girl--Sandy--who was most certainly magical, even if she had no idea of her abilities. And therefore, Robert introduced her to his friends, and she had been friends with Robert and Patrick ever since.

“And Sandy Cheeks swings that Bludger again!” shouted the game’s commentator. “She appears to be aiming at the Hufflepuff Keeper as her teammate Larry throws the Quaffle to score--ooh, the Keeper dodges--but wait--Hufflepuff’s Seeker, Fred, appears to be diving for the Snitch!”

Sandy turned towards the Seeker, who was headed towards the ground, his hand outstretched. Not wasting time, Sandy hit the Bludger the Keeper had dodged at Fred. 

Her aim was true, and the Bludger hit Fred.

“MY LEG!” he screeched. Distracted by the pain in his likely-broken leg, he lost focus on the Snitch, allowing for the Gryffindor Seeker to capture the Snitch.

As the Gryffindor supporters erupted into cheers, Edward began shoving his way through the crowd to exit the stands. He’d had enough of Robert. When he reached the ground, however, he was greeted by a “Hey, Edward!”

Edward turned as Sandy dismounted from her broom and ran to him, clapping him on the shoulder. He staggered and nearly tripped on the ground as Sandy said, “Did you see that? Did you see our Seeker? Did you see me swing those Bludgers at Fred?”

“I--yes, Sandy,” Edward said. “It was something else.”

She beamed. “Thanks, Edward! I gotta find Bob and Patrick. See ya!”

And she bounded off.

Several minutes later, Edward reached the Ravenclaw tower. He smiled a bit smugly. Answering a riddle to gain access to his common room was an excellent way to demonstrate his skill and intelligence.

“Take away the whole and some still remains. What am I?” the brass knocker asked.

Edward inhaled, about to answer, when a voice answered, “Wholesome.”

Irritated, Edward turned to see Karen, Plankton’s girlfriend.

“‘Scuse me,” she said, pushing past him.

“You were at the game?” Edward said, “Don’t you usually skip them?” Last year, Karen had been the only Ravenclaw to skip the Quidditch final--and the final had been between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. She was likely the only student in the school to frequently skip Quidditch games.

“‘Course I went,” Karen said. “Sandy was playing.”

“Oh, right,” Edward said. “The only person in the school you care about.”

“Actually,” Karen said suddenly. “Tell me something. You’re in classes with Sheldon and Krabs. What, exactly, is going on between them? How bad is it? Are either of them actively plotting against each other?”

“How should I know?” Edward said irritably. “I’m not their friend. They insult each other whenever possible. They’ve been in detention for cursing each other.”

“Has Krabs done anything unusual?”

“I don’t know. What, are you planning on killing him?”

“No. I don’t want to be expelled.”

“That’s the only reason?” Edward muttered.

“Maybe,” Karen responded dryly.

* * *

“Hey, Edward!”

Edward nearly dropped his package of Cauldron Cakes as Sandy clapped him on the shoulder. Turning around, he said, “Oh, hello--”

He saw that Robert, Patrick, and a bored-looking Krabs had also entered the shop, and his expression darkened slightly.

Either not noticing or not caring about his lack of enthusiasm, Sandy said, “Hey--there’s gonna be some sorta musical performance a couple blocks away in a few minutes--you should join us!”

“Oh, uh--” Edward had heard there would be some sort of performance somewhere in Honeydukes today, but he hadn’t heard that the show would be a musical.

“C’mon!” Sandy said brightly. “Buy those Cauldron Cakes and let’s go. It’ll be fun!”

“Edward, if you don’t,” Krabs grumbled, “This kid--” --he gestured to Robert-- “--will cry until you agree to come with us, so might as well just tag along.”

“Fine,” Edward grumbled, allowing Sandy to push him toward the counter. Perhaps he could sneak away from the group--more specifically, Robert--when they were distracted by the performance.

However, Edward and his group were only a few steps out of the shop when two familiar voices approached the group.

“--after we finish that,” Karen said, “Then, we can--”

Karen and Plankton, who were holding hands, stopped abruptly when they saw Edward and his group.

“Hi, guys!” Robert said brightly, even though Krabs and Plankton were glaring daggers at each other.

“Hello, Sandy and friends,” Karen said somewhat icily.

“Why are you here?” Plankton asked.

“Why do you think?” Krabs said. “What, y’thought you’d be the only one in Hogsmeade to go to the show?”

“Well, I don’t know, perhaps you were just following me because the only things you ever have success with is the stuff you steal from me!”

“Oh please, that’s the most pathetic, ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” Krabs said. “As if I’d be intimidated by a Mudblood like you--”

“Mr. Krabs!” Robert cried.

“Krabs….” Sandy hissed, pulling out her wand from her robes.

“Oh, relax,” Krabs said. “I didn’t call you a Mud--”

“No! Stop!” Robert cried. “Please don’t say--”

Plankton crossed his arms across his chest. “Calling me that won’t work anymore. I know you’re just angry that I’ll soon be more famous and successful than you in both the Muggle and Wizarding Worlds--”

“Muggle _ and  _ Wizarding worlds? Can’t decide between one or the other?”

“Oh, you’re just jealous that you couldn’t think of--”

“Guys, please!” Robert said, his lip quivering. “Please don’t fight--”

A small crowd had started to gather to watch the argument.

“Nobody’ll ever like, respect, or trust you, Plankton. You’re a Mudblood Slytherin. That doesn’t even make sense.”

“I like him!” Robert said desperately.

“You’re a Slytherin, too, Karbs--”

“Yes, but people actually respect me. I’ve made profits selling things to people--”

“That you used with  _ my  _ notes and research--”

“Ah, shut up, Plankton. Th’ only thing you ever did was steal my profits.”

“YOUR profits?” Plankton said. “You’re just saying that because even after you’ve sold your junk, you still haven’t sold enough to lift yourself out of your slimy hole of property!”   
Within a second, Krabs’ wand was out, pointing at Plankton’s face.

_ They might actually kill each other,  _ Edward thought.

Robert must have reached a similar conclusion, because he sniffed and began to silently cry.

“Don’t put that in my face, Krabs,” Plankton hissed. “I swear, I’ll--”

BANG.

Edward jumped. Plankton’s head jerked to the side as Krabs’ curse grazed his face.

“No!” yelped Robert.

“EXPELLIARMUS!” yelled Plankton as he withdrew his wand.

Krabs’ wand flew out of his hand, and Plankton advanced on him.

Krabs scoffed. “What do you think you’re gonna do, you stupid, pathetic--”

“CRUCIO!”

Krabs screamed as he was thrown backwards onto the pavement, where he writhed and sobbed.

Silence suddenly pierced the crowd. Robert stopped crying, his face pallid. Edward stared at Plankton--you’d have to utterly abhor someone to successfully use that curse--

“How does that feel, Krabs?” Plankton said, an unsettling grin stretched across his face. “Not so useless or pathetic now, am I?”

“Plankton, WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Sandy cried. “You--you just--”

For the first time he and Krabs had begun arguing, Plankton glanced up and noticed the crowd, and the realization he'd just cast an Unforgivable curse in front of a crowd dawned on him.

Plankton pointed to a group of people in the crowd and shouted, “Stupefy!” as someone yelled “Someone catch him!”

Plankton’s Stunning spell knocked away several people and he sprinted past them. The crowd was thrown into a state of confusion; several people jumped away from Plankton, while several people surged towards him, leaving the people who stood still, such as Edward, to be jostled by everyone else.

Edward was pushed into Karen, who in turn, shoved him away and forced herself to the front of the crowd. Considering most of the crowd was moving forward, Edward decided to avoid being trampled, and he, too, moved forward.

He ended up next to Karen again. Near them, another Ravenclaw raised her wand, pointed at the fleeing Plankton, and whispered, “Petri--”

“Confundus,” Karen whispered, her wand just barely poking out from her sleeve.

The Ravenclaw’s spell missed entirely, hitting a window of a shop. Karen, noticing Edward starting at her, pointed her wand at him and muttered, “Obliviate.”

Edward blinked. He was in the middle of a decently-sized crowd who were all murmuring. Off in the distance, some skirmish was going on--but the last thing Edward remembered was Plankton using “Crucio” on Krabs--where was Plankton?

He turned. Patrick and Sandy were supporting Krabs.

“What happened?” Edward asked. “Where’s Plankton?”

“The coward ran off,” said Krabs, who, although he was rather pale and unsteady on his feet, looked utterly murderous. “Hopefully, when someone catches him, they’ll feed him a few Crucios before locking him in Azkaban!”

“We should probably go back to the castle,” Sandy said somewhat weakly. “C’mon. Krabs, you should probably visit the hospital wing.”

* * *

By dinner, the entire school had heard of Plankton’s usage of an Unforgivable Curse on Krabs. Krabs was absent from the Slytherin table, although he had recovered from being tortured. He was being questioned by several Aurors, and considering that Edward, Robert, Patrick, Karen, and Sandy had been with Plankton and Krabs when the two had begun fighting, Edward suspected he, too, would likely be questioned. 

Out of all of the Houses, the Slytherins were experiencing the most conflict. Many of them had taken the side of either Plankton or Krabs throughout the previous weeks, and were having loud arguments. Edward could hear some snippets of their conversations.

“He used the literal torture curse--”

“Krabs probably deserved it, he’s a--”

“Plankton’s an idiot if he--”

Edward sat down and quickly began eating his food, ready to be called out of the Great Hall to be questioned by the Aurors. 

Sure enough, a few minutes later, one of them approached him.

“You are Edward, correct?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Come with me.”

Edward sighed and abandoned his dinner.

* * *

A couple weeks later, the school was talking much less about Plankton and Krabs’ fight. Krabs had returned to his normal routine and classes, and several Aurors had been dispatched to search for Plankton.

Krabs had wasted little time converting as many people as possible to his side.

“When they catch him and throw him into Azkaban, I’d imagine he’d have to pay me a good bit of money,” Krabs had said during class. “I wonder what they’ve told his parents? They might have to pay me, too.”

One day, right before his choir practice, Edward was interrupted from his extensive review of their latest song by a despondent, “Hi, Edward.”

A crestfallen Robert had greeted him.

“What do you want?”

Robert sighed. “I was thinking that maybe if Pat and I joined the choir--”

“Patrick’s with you?!” 

“Yeah, he’ll be here in a second. I was thinking that if we joined the school’s choir--I asked the teacher if we could, even though it’s kinda late-- I could think less about…. You know…. Their fight.”

“Krabs and Plankton? Robert, people are barely talking about that anymore! Get over it!”

“I can’t! They had such a great friendship, and--”

“Hey, guys, what’d I miss?” Patrick asked.

“Nothing of worth,” Edward muttered.

Choir practice began. Much to Edward’s dismay, Robert was a surprisingly good singer, and Patrick wasn’t awful, either. However, halfway through rehearsal, Patrick raised his hand.

“Yes, Mr. Star?”

Patrick reached into his robes and pulled out a jar, holding it in the air.

“Is mayonnaise an instrument?” Patrick asked.

“Is--what?”

“Mayonnaise. A Muggle topping on food.”

“Er--no, Patrick. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.”

“Oh.” Without another word, he pocketed the jar and left the stage.

“Er--alright,” the teacher said. “From the top--”

* * *

Two weeks later, a flurry of owls flew into the Great Hall with Daily Prophet newspapers bearing the headline: “Hogwarts Student Guilty of Using an Unforgivable Curse Captured by Aurors.”

The article read, “Sheldon James Plankton, a Slytherin attending Hogwarts who was seen by multiple witnesses casting the Cruciatus curse on a fellow classmate, was recently apprehended by Aurors in the Forest of Dean….”

Edward scanned the article. At the bottom of the page, the article said, “Mr. Plankton’s trial is scheduled for the 8th of March. The unjustified usage of an Unforgivable Curse is grounds for a lifetime sentence in Azkaban.”

“Azkaban?!” Robert suddenly screamed, audible through the talking students in the Great Hall. Leaping from his seat, he ran to Edward yelling, “Edward! Edward! Look, it says he could be thrown into Azkaban!”

“Shut up, Robert, I know!” Edward hissed; several people had chuckled as Robert had shoved the paper into Edward’s face. “You’re a pureblood; you’ve known your entire life that people who Crucio other people get thrown into Azkaban! Where’d you think he’d end up, Muggle prison?”

“No! I don’t know, but Azkaban…. I wouldn’t want anyone to have to be stuck there….”

“Bob!” Sandy said, hurrying up to Robert and Edward. “Are you okay?”

“Azkaban, Sandy,” he moaned. “Azkaban’s so--it’s just….”

“Come sit down,” Sandy said, leading him away and throwing a look at Edward. 

Edward returned to his paper before smirking. 

He had been right. He truly had never before seen such a falling out between two members of the same House. 


End file.
